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Harry and Ginny _ Procrastination Station _ Did you hear...

Posted by: QuickHare May 4 2004, 12:30 PM

It's my turn (if there are turns) to start a new game.

Basically, list as many different two line jokes, starting off with "Did you hear the one about....".

To start people off (and to give an example of this game):



1. Did you hear the one about the broken pencil? It was a bit pointless.

2. Did you hear the one about the detergent? Actually it's a wash-out.

Posted by: Yoda May 4 2004, 06:39 PM

3. Did you hear about the clingfilm? I better not tell you, you'll see right through it.

4. Do you know the one about the wall? I warn you, you may not get over it.

5. Did you hear about the butter? I can't say - you might spread it around.


Yoda, slicing the cheese of bad jokes biggrin.gif

Posted by: hockeygod May 7 2004, 06:51 PM

Those were so bad I laughed.

Posted by: nome May 8 2004, 06:33 AM

*cringe*

Did you hear about the two peanuts? One was assaulted.

Posted by: QuickHare May 8 2004, 04:47 PM

7. Did you hear the one about the puppet on special offer? Apparently, there were no strings attached.

Posted by: hockeygod May 15 2004, 03:57 AM

I don't know why, but these jokes make me laugh.

Posted by: QuickHare May 15 2004, 02:33 PM

Don't fight it, hockeygod. If you need to laugh, laugh! biggrin.gif

Posted by: hockeygod May 15 2004, 02:50 PM

Put up some more and I will. biggrin.gif

Posted by: QuickHare May 15 2004, 03:18 PM

8. Did you hear the one about the circle? It had a kind of ring to it.

9. Did you hear the one about my amnesia? I'll never forget it.

10. Did you hear the one about the guy who could never tell jokes? Hold on, that's not it. Umm... Did you hear the story about.... Not it either. Oh well.

11. Did you hear the one about the small stick of rock? It's short and sweet.

Posted by: hockeygod May 15 2004, 04:44 PM

ROFLMAO!!! Thats all I'm going to say.

Posted by: QuickHare May 16 2004, 03:25 PM

12. Did you hear the depressing one about the overweight hippy? Actually, it's a little too heavy, man.

13. Did you hear the one about the screw hole? It's a little boring.
(Some DIY nuts might get that one)

14. Did you hear the one about the massive book? It is a bit of a tall story, I'll grant you...

15. Did you hear the story about the alcoholic with tinitus? It sounded better in the pub.

16. Did you hear the one about the athiest? I didn't believe it at first.

Posted by: hockeygod May 17 2004, 11:10 AM

Same thing, same place.

Posted by: QuickHare May 17 2004, 01:49 PM

Maybe we (or should I say I) are now scraping the barrel, bleeding the blood vessel of two-liner jokes dry.

Posted by: hockeygod May 17 2004, 06:15 PM

Don't give up. There are plenty more out there, all as funny as these ones.

Posted by: QuickHare May 18 2004, 11:09 PM

Yes, but the last lot Yoda and I posted seem to have vanished into thin air. ranting.gif

Maybe if some moderator or owner of this site could look into that?

Posted by: QuickHare May 20 2004, 01:47 PM

17. Did you hear the one about embarrassing accident? Shame........

18. Did you hear the one about the couple of rotten eggs? Too bad.

Posted by: QuickHare May 24 2004, 03:58 PM

19. Did you hear the one about the other page? You'll find it overleaf.

20. Did you hear the one about the flying sheet of paper? It is a bit thin off the ground.

Posted by: RJOCL12 May 25 2004, 06:10 AM

21. Did you hear about the philandering golfer? He plays a round a lot.

Posted by: Drie Jun 10 2004, 03:49 PM

Thought of this old joke as I was trying (and failing) to create a new one this morning. (Don't ask.)

QUOTE
A man walked into a bar.  The bartender said, "Next time, duck."
bag.gif

Posted by: QuickHare Jun 10 2004, 08:05 PM

Here's a thought:

If Microsoft want to create a truely paperless office, where will the annoying paperclip go?

Posted by: hockeygod Jun 24 2004, 01:57 AM

All these two-liners are hilarious. Thanks for putting them her5e because they can make me smile no matter how I'm feeling.

Posted by: QuickHare Jun 24 2004, 12:00 PM

More ideas:
To stop a cold getting to your chest on those cold days, tie a knot in your neck. That ought to do it.

Language for the not-modern teenager:
Definition of defeat: De tings you walk on.

Posted by: hockeygod Jun 24 2004, 12:50 PM

Those are awesome QH!

Posted by: QuickHare Jun 24 2004, 01:06 PM

Right. You asked for it. If you suffer from giggles and laughing too much, look away now.


What's the easiest way to make a banana split?
Simple. Cut it in half.

Definition:
Falsehood: I fake hat.

What has four eyes but cannot see?
The Mississippi.

Definition:
Crowbar: A place where birds drink.

What sits on ships going "croak, croak"?
A frog-horn.

Definition:
Junk: Things you keep for years and throw out just before you need them.

Did you know that judges relax by playing court games?

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I burned both my ears!
Doctor: How did you manage that?
Patient: I was ironing and the phone rang. I picked up the iron by mistake.
Doctor: But you said you burned both your ears.
Patient: Yes. As soon as I put the phone down it rang again.

What goes "Ha Ha Ha *Crash*"?
A man falling apart with laughter.

Did you hear the one about the future?
I'll tell it to you later.

Why are prayers never heard on Lord of the Rings?
Because the Elves kept ending them with "Arwen".

Definition:
Hypnotism: Rheumatism in the hip.

How does Luke Skywalker shave?
With a laser blade.

Why is grass so dangerous?
Because of all the blades.


Thank you, and good night!

Posted by: hockeygod Jun 24 2004, 02:36 PM

Some of those are so corny that they are hilarious. Thank-you for the entertainment QH.

Posted by: QuickHare Jun 24 2004, 05:18 PM

Anytime, HG, anytime.

Posted by: Drie Jun 24 2004, 09:37 PM

*Drie looks around for her coffee mug*

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
Great pick-me-up! I needed that. wink.gif

Posted by: hockeygod Jun 24 2004, 09:56 PM

I really liked the ones with the elves.

Posted by: QuickHare Jun 26 2004, 01:08 PM

QUOTE (Drie @ Jun 24 2004, 10:37 PM)
*Drie looks around for her coffee mug*

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
Great pick-me-up! I needed that. wink.gif

You'll need more than a coffe mug, Drie!

May I suggest you move to France, change your name to Adrienne Reinard, find the nearest restaurant and ask for a "bol de chocolat", drink the lovely liquid inside, then get to work by grabbing the empty cup and laughing into it wildly. Giggling or howling is also acceptable, but as long as you get the work in by Tuesday.

Those who've travelled to France and had such a drink will know they serve it usually in the biggest mugs you'll see, hence the name "bol de chocolat", directly translated to "bowl of chocolate".

Posted by: Drie Jun 28 2004, 06:06 PM

QUOTE (QuickHare @ Jun 26 2004, 05:08 AM)
QUOTE
May I suggest you move to France, change your name to Adrienne Reinard, find the nearest restaurant and ask for a "bol de chocolat", drink the lovely liquid inside, then get to work by grabbing the empty cup and laughing into it wildly. Giggling or howling is also acceptable, but as long as you get the work in by Tuesday.




Works for me! How 'bout if I refuse to come into work because I've completely gone off the deep end and am laughing uproariously at everyone and everything?

Humor the dangerous . . . 105.gif blink.gif

Posted by: QuickHare Jun 28 2004, 06:12 PM

Next you'll be wanting sick pay, too! And I always thought that laughter was the best medicine. Now I find out it causes illnesses!

Though it would explain the three sparrows, five squirrels and a cat I found dead near that comedy club I passed by last night.

Posted by: Jerry Jul 20 2004, 10:34 PM

Did you hear about the man who threw his clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly


rolleyes.gif tongue.gif



Posted by: QuickHare Jul 21 2004, 09:12 AM

Did you hear the one about the male lamb? He felt a little sheepish at times.

Posted by: Jerry Jul 26 2004, 01:15 AM

Did you hear about the idiotic karate champion who joined the army?
The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who had no control over her pupils?

Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed?
He said he wanted to grow some birds.

Hope you enjoyed the stupid humor tongue.gif

Posted by: QuickHare Jul 27 2004, 12:39 PM

I enjoyed it as the "stupid humour" is what this thread is all about!
wacko.gif biggrin.gif

Posted by: Jerry Jul 29 2004, 09:37 PM

Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
He's all-right now!


Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children?

Did you hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

tongue.gif

Posted by: QuickHare Jul 29 2004, 10:02 PM

Did you hear the one about the mackeral watching fishing programmes on TV? He got hooked.

Did you hear the one about the 15th century alcoholic? He took one drink and the rest was history.

Did you hear the one about the digital shark? It had a mega byte.

Posted by: Jerry Jul 29 2004, 11:43 PM

Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
He became a Neck-romancer!

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels.
They were dirty crooks!

Did you hear about the mattress tester who was fired?
He stayed awake on the job.



god, that last one was so bad tongue.gif

Posted by: QuickHare Jul 30 2004, 12:02 PM

Actually, they were all good. The last one was different, but still good.


Did you hear the one about the shocked mime artist? He was left speechless.

Did you hear the one about the egotistical fat guy? He thought he was larger than life.

Did you hear the one about the Diamond Kid? he was a little gem.

Posted by: Jerry Aug 18 2004, 08:08 PM

Did you hear the one about the nose that grew 12 inches long? It became a foot

Did you hear about the french fries? They're made in grease


Posted by: hockeygod Aug 18 2004, 08:12 PM

Those were good Jerry.

Posted by: QuickHare Aug 19 2004, 12:29 PM

Did you hear the one about the inept chef who put sugar and lemon on a plate? He was trying to make sweet and sour.

Did you hear the one about the helium-filled yoyo? It didn't go down too well.

Posted by: Jerry Aug 19 2004, 10:25 PM

Did you hear about Harry's grim godfather?
He was serious.

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink.

rolleyes.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: hockeygod Aug 20 2004, 01:38 PM

Where do you guys keep getting these? I like the serious joke Jerry.

Posted by: Jerry Aug 20 2004, 03:15 PM

The serious one I actually made up biggrin.gif . Glad you like it.

Some of the others I've heard a long time ago; the rest are my doing.

Did you hear about the vampire who was locked up in asylum?
He went bats.

Did you hear about the two monsters who crashed?
They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.

Did you hear about the moron who only ate noodles?
I didn't.

tongue.gif

Posted by: QuickHare Aug 20 2004, 09:01 PM

I tend to make my jokes up. They're always more fun when they're spontanious and apt for the situation.


Did you hear the one about the depressed lemming? That one did go down well.

Did you hear the one about the innocent internet user? I don't blame you.

Did you hear the one about delayed service pack for Windows XP? Actually, no. That one is true.

Posted by: Jerry Aug 22 2004, 02:17 AM

Did you hear about the striped plant?
He was spotted.

Did you hear about the man who owned a dog named yet?
He walked, yet ran.

Posted by: QuickHare Aug 22 2004, 02:39 PM

Did you hear the one about the sunbathing joke book? It was black and white and red all over.

Posted by: Jerry Aug 24 2004, 07:47 PM

Did you hear about the fool who keeps going around saying "no"?
"No."
"Oh, so it's you!" tongue.gif

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it's over your head.

Did you hear the joke about the butter?
I better not tell you, it might spread.

rolleyes.gif

Posted by: Drie Jan 7 2005, 12:32 AM

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Posted by: QuickHare Jan 7 2005, 04:25 PM

Did you hear the one about the artful tune? The story's music to my ears.

Posted by: Jerry May 20 2005, 07:17 PM

Heard this one this week...

Did you hear the one about the hungry computer?

It ate all its chips, one byte at a time.

tongue.gif

Posted by: Yoda Sep 30 2005, 12:13 PM

What's brown and sticky...?



...sterb292.gif a stick tongue.gif

Posted by: QuickHare Oct 2 2005, 09:41 PM

Did you hear that crashing noise that sounded like bins being knocked over by a weasil in such a way as to reverberate around the garden and street with an echo that is similar to a Slinky making it's way down a very noisy stair case during a meltdown, but quiet enough to avoid waking up the people asleep in their warm, cozy little beds behind the walls of their houses and their double-glazed windows, shut off from all noises such as this one going around outside?

Because I didn't.

Posted by: Billywig2 Oct 3 2005, 11:06 AM

Ahhh, now this is definatly my area of expertise! I have an unlimited amount of these laugh.gif here a few to start off.

Did you here the one about the rubbish truck? Never mind, it's a load of rubbish.

Have you heard about the new pirate movie that's coming out? It's rated ARRRRRRR!

Did you hear the one about the power failure at the Shopping Centre which stranded 17 blondes on an escalator for over four hours?

Why did the boy fall off his bike? someone threw a fridge at him.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

My imaginary friends think that you have serious mental problems.

What has four legs, is green, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table.

What does D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

Dyslexics of the world, Untie! (I think that one's been in my sig)

I used to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.

You should here the names that the voices in my head are calling you right now.

Posted by: QuickHare Oct 4 2005, 12:20 AM

Those were good. I liked the blonde one the best.


Did you hear about the phoney bus driver? He took his passangers for a ride.

Did you hear about the Chatterbox North Pole Expedition? The talked about it until they were blue in the face.

Did you hear about the email fungus? After a few forwards, the story mushroomed.

Did you hear the one about the gobsmacked cricketer? He was bowled over.

What do you get if you fast-forward a cricket match? Entertainment.

Did you hear the one about an angry ice hockey player? He was pucked off.

Did you hear the one about the escaping bunny rab..........

Posted by: Billywig2 Oct 4 2005, 08:07 AM

I'll have to remember those cricket ones, the season begins soon down here.

Take-outs from my school student planner: I swear, if a teacher got a hold of this, I bet I'd have to buy a new one.

Good things come in small packages... and then they get squashed because the package is too small.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

Everyone keeps saying that the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

Few Women Admit to their age, fewer men act theirs.

Good friends help you move house, great friends help you move bodies.

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

That's very funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes.

I've figured out that the factor that has the most to do with the outcome of a rain dance, is timing.

The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.

Earths full, go home.

You look like beep, is that the fashion now?

Out of my mind, be back in five minutes.

If Barbie is so popular, how come you have to buy her friends?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they stick it to the pan?

I used to be indesicive(sp?) but now I'm not so sure.

Do you ever stop to think, and then forget to strart again?

57.3% of facts are made up on the spot.

I tried being normal once, I didn't like it.

Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experiances. The trick in life is to fill the experiances before the luck runs out.

Eagles may fly, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engins... although that's more of an 'in' joke.

And my very personal favorite...

(drumroll, please)

Semper ubi sub ubi

Translation?

"Always wear under wear" XD

Posted by: Cristin Mar 26 2006, 10:44 PM

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.


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